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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28403187">you sparkled with someone to hold</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggys_cupcake_girl/pseuds/foggys_cupcake_girl'>foggys_cupcake_girl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Brighter Than You or I Will Ever Know [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies) RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Body Image, Body Shaming, Clothed Sex, Colin Farrell really really needs a hug, Colin's Sacred Deer look, Dom/sub Undertones, Ezra Miller is their own warning, Fat Shaming, Heartbreak, Light daddy kink, Lilah Larson has had enough of Ezra's bullshit, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Nonmonogamous Relationship, One-Sided Relationship, Self-Esteem Issues, Weight Gain, but not a healthy one, gradence AND colezra in the same fic, some sex but it's not the focus of the plot, who unfortunately happens to be kind of a douchebag</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:27:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,623</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28403187</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggys_cupcake_girl/pseuds/foggys_cupcake_girl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Colin goes to stay with Ezra while filming The Killing of a Sacred Deer. Ezra is less than thrilled with Colin's new look...and unfortunately they almost can't help but let him know just how disappointed they are with him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Colin Farrell/Ezra Miller, Credence Barebone/Original Percival Graves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Brighter Than You or I Will Ever Know [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1973110</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you sparkled with someone to hold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey y'all ^_^ two quick notes for this one:</p><p>1) BIG BIG BIG TW FOR BODY SHAMING, WEIGHT GAIN, AND SELF-IMAGE ISSUES. Colin gains weight for the Sacred Deer film and Ezra is a little snot about it. (No, this fic is not Ezra friendly I am sorry I am In A Mood with them tonight actually no not sorry at all. They are a shallow baby when it comes to looks and I will die on that hill.)</p><p>2) I'm well aware that I've essentially taken canon out back and shot it when it comes to how and when Sacred Deer was filmed. Buuuut in my defense this is already as AU as it can be, so. y'know. let me have my fun here guys lol ;P</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>
      
    </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s been a shitty day. When Credence opens the door, Graves tries and fails to school his face into something neutral. But Credence immediately knows something is wrong, and he presses until Graves admits the raid today went wrong. “We lost two aurors today,” he says grimly, his voice choked with what would be tears if he weren’t too “tough” to admit he wants to cry.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m so sorry.” Credence kneels beside Graves, and rests his head on his leg. Automatically Graves’ hand goes to Credence’s hair, stroking absently as he stares moodily into the fire.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>I don’t deserve this,</span>
  <em>
    <span> he wants to say.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I don’t deserve your love, your trust. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Credence turns his face up to his and it shatters Graves’ heart; how can Credence look at him with such love and warmth in those kind dark eyes when Graves ruins everything he touches?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Credence reaches up and wraps a thin hand around Graves’ wrist, steadying him, providing contact Graves won’t admit he badly needs. “Tell me, Daddy,” he coaxes sweetly, the picture of total submission. “Tell me what you need.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The pain eases a little as Graves looks down in to Credence’s gentle face. He knows, in this moment, that he is loved. “I just need you, baby,” he says, and relishes the pleasure that sweeps through him as Credence’s pretty eyes flutter closed in bliss.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you’re shooting in Vermont, right? After we wrap, I mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s two days before </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fantastic Beasts</span>
  </em>
  <span> is slated to end filming. Colin has resigned himself now to the fact that he will likely never see Ezra again after filming and the press tour, but…but now, he can’t help it, a little frisson of hope unfurls deep in his belly. “Yeah? For a while, anyway.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ezra gives a happy little hum and nuzzles the base of Colin’s throat. They’re curled up together after their second (and, despite the fact that Ezra could probably go another seven times, their last) round of the night. Colin loves this part, if he’s honest, more than the sex itself—not that fucking Ezra doesn’t feel incredibly good, it </span>
  <em>
    <span>does;</span>
  </em>
  <span> but he’s always favored the afterglow. The warm, sleepy post-sex haze when everything just feels right in the world and he’s just so relaxed he could melt through the bed…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But now Ezra carefully props himself up and looks earnestly into Colin’s eyes. “Well, why don’t you come and stay with us for a while? There’s plenty of room on the farm and it’s not like we aren’t used to company.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Colin agrees before he can stop himself. “Yeah. That sounds great.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ezra hums again, an excited little noise that sets butterflies swooping in Colin’s belly, and lies back down with a contented sigh. “That’s exactly what I wanted,” he says happily. “The others are going to love you…but you don’t have to sleep with them too,” he adds, as if that was a worry Colin should actually have. “We don’t function like a harem. Consent is very big in our polycule.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Colin says again, but the excitement comes with a twinge of something he can’t name and suddenly the butterflies feel a little drunk, lurching uneasily inside him before falling from the air and turning to lead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not that he’s a stranger to nonmonogamy. You don’t wind up with two sons by two different women, after all, by believing in that “one man one woman for life no takebacks” business. He’s made a sex tape, for heaven’s sake; he’s hardly a prude. And it’s not like Ezra ever made any bones about the fact that he’s purely interested in Colin for sex. But…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But is this love, he wonders, as he watches Ezra drift off to sleep on his chest? Is it possible that this </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> the person who he’s waited for his whole life?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No. Impossible. Ezra is sweet, but hardly the kind of person one should settle down with. Even if Ezra were into monogamy he’s hardly worth the explosion of press and attention, both positive and negative, that would ensue if Colin were to announce that he’s in love with a man, much less one a good fifteen-some years younger than him. Ezra is young and messy and immature, and he’s self-conscious about himself in some ways and far too overconfident in others just like every other pretentious actor in their twenties, and Colin recognizes that and also recognizes, deeply and intuitively, that Ezra is not his “happy ever after.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But, God. If a man doesn’t have hope, then what does he have?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Colin’s ex, Alicja, snorts so hard she almost dislodges her voicebox when he tells her where he’s staying. He can’t blame her. Chilling on a farm with a bunch of weed-smoking hipster 20-somethings is more like Colin circa 2006 than New and Improved Sober Colin. She makes him promise to check in, makes him promise to come visit their son instead of letting Henry come to the farm, worries aloud about what the sober living coaches would have to say about marijuana.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not going to smoke,” he promises her a hundred times. “I’m going there to be with a friend, Al, that’s it. Nothing more.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s her name, Colin?” she persists. “There has to be a </span>
  <em>
    <span>she</span>
  </em>
  <span> if you’re doing something this stupid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He almost tells her. It would be funny. But—no. He’s not going to use Ezra as a punchline like that. “I’ll tell you later,” is what he settles on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows he will never, ever tell her. But he lets himself fantasize for a whole ten seconds anyway. Ezra meeting his kids. Ezra winning Alicja over with that 1000-watt smile of his. Ezra coming on family vacations. He pictures Ezra bouncing a child on his hip, mouse ears on both their heads, waiting in line for the teacup ride at Disney World on a messy, humid July day while Henry and James cling to his side and look up admiringly at their baby brother or sister…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Colin?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shakes himself. “Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alicja still sounds worried. “Please be careful.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t have to ask what she means. That’s not a </span>
  <em>
    <span>please don’t relapse</span>
  </em>
  <span> be careful, it’s a </span>
  <em>
    <span>you’re about to get your heart broken</span>
  </em>
  <span> be careful. “I’ll be fine, Al. I always am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few weeks pass between the end of the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fantastic Beasts</span>
  </em>
  <span> wrap before Colin goes to Ezra’s. In that time he focuses on preparing for </span>
  <em>
    <span>Killing of a Sacred Deer.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He starts growing out his beard, stops dyeing his hair and lets some of the natural gray begin to show. He eats extra helpings at meals. He still works out, but sticks mostly to jogging and yoga, because this character isn’t meant to be ripped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So it’s with an extra twenty pounds on his gut and something of a mountain-man beard that he turns up at Ezra’s farm three weeks later. A tall, slender girl with curly cropped hair and friendly eyes answers the door. “Colin, right?” she says with a knowing smile. “I’m Lilah, it’s nice to meet you. C’mon in. Ezra’s out with the goats right now, but they’ll be in soon. Are you sleeping together, or did you want to crash in a guestroom?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” Colin says, realizing maybe he should have discussed this with Ezra before he got here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look good,” the girl continues as she leads him inside and helps haul one of his suitcases into the living room. “I like the beard. Man, Ezra’s gonna </span>
  <em>
    <span>faint</span>
  </em>
  <span> when they see you’re here. They haven’t shut up about you for weeks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They?” Colin says, feeling a little lost.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lilah freezes, stares at him through wide eyes, briefly tilts her head to one side, and then explains gently, “When Ezra’s not working, they like to go by they and them pronouns instead of he and him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh…I’m sorry?” He’s not sure what kind of reply this warrants. His stomach twists. Should he have known this? Should this be the kind of thing one knows about their…lover? Is lover even an appropriate term, or will Ezra find that offensive? Ezra seems pretty shameless, but he—they? </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Colin’s going to have to get used to that—can be intense when they’re upset, and Colin hates the thought of having done something to upset them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lilah puts a gentle hand over his arm and Colin immediately relaxes a little, the response almost Pavlovian: he’s always found it comforting to be touched. “It’s all right. You didn’t know,” she assures him. “Between you and me, I don’t think Ezra really cares that much; they’ll let pretty much any pronouns ride depending on their mood. You haven’t done anything wrong. I promise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I haven’t done it yet, at least,” Colin murmurs, and Lilah laughs and squeezes his arm once before she pulls away. It’s taken less than a minute for Colin to decide that he really likes this girl, and if the other members in Ezra’s band are anything like her, he’s in for a pretty good time here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They settle down on the couch together, Colin’s luggage forgotten in the corner, and watch a rerun of </span>
  <em>
    <span>Frasier</span>
  </em>
  <span> on TV before Ezra comes barrelling into the room. “Ly, we need more straw,” they announce, and then their eyes fall on Colin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gets to his feet quickly, feeling rather like a Victorian man come to call on a blushing debutante, and blushes (a grown fucking man and he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>blushing,</span>
  </em>
  <span> what the </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck)</span>
  </em>
  <span> when Ezra’s eyes sweep over him. He feels the urge to suck in his gut.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ezra stares for a moment, then a slow, careful smile plays over their lips. “Is that you, Mr. Graves?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lilah chuckles at the involuntary sputter that Colin offers in reply. “I think that’s my cue to go,” she grins. “Ezra, honey, is he sleeping with you or in a guest room?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I was just going to stick him in the closet and bring him out at parties,” Ezra replies playfully. They hop gracefully across the room and lace themself tightly to Colin’s side. “Hello, you. Did you miss me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always,” Colin replies automatically, eyes still glued to Ezra’s face. He’s not sure, but…there’s something in Ezra’s eyes he doesn’t quite trust.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C’mon with me,” Ezra says suddenly, tugging Colin across the living room and towards the back door by the hand. “I want to show you the hayloft.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have fun!” Lilah calls after the pair of them in a sing-song voice that makes Colin blush anew as he realizes what </span>
  <em>
    <span>show you the hayloft</span>
  </em>
  <span> is code for.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Graves lies with his head in his husband’s lap, letting Credence stroke his hair back off his forehead. They don’t do this often; Graves generally prefers to hold than be held. But sometimes, well, it just feels good to be treated gently, and Credence loves to play with his hair.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Is this all right?” Credence asks at length, his long fingers briefly stilling. “Do you want to stop?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, baby. You keep right on like that. Feels good.” Graves closes his eyes and succumbs to his boy’s gentle touch, his body slowly going slack under Credence’s tender ministrations. It’s not their usual dynamic, perhaps, and it’s taken a long time for him to come to the understanding that it’s “allowed,” per se.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Graves never wants to take from Credence, he only wants to give. But Credence sometimes </span>
  </em>
  <span>wants</span>
  <em>
    <span> to do this for him, and Graves feels pained at the thought of denying him anything. So he lets Credence hold him, lets Credence touch him and soothe him. It’s all right. Sometimes they both just…need this.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Winter in Vermont, Colin quickly learns, is very cold. He feels like he’s back in London, actually, except in London snow can be cleared relatively quickly and out here in the country, it just…piles up. He’s cold most of the time and damp when he’s outside, and he’s thankful for those twenty or so extra pounds of padding when he has to dress for the weather and realizes the extra fat keeps him warmer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The set location is only about twenty minutes from Ezra’s farm. Colin is thankful to not have to rent a trailer. Most mornings Lilah rises with him and drives him in, because she’s more used to navigating the snow. “I can get Yorgos to send a car for me,” he says one morning. “You don’t have to do this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She shrugs it off. “I like to,” she says carelessly, “and besides, it gives me a chance to hang out with you, and who wouldn’t want to do that? You’re cool.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lilah is hyper-critical, Colin has noticed, of what she considers to be “problematic” behavior. She’s banned </span>
  <em>
    <span>The West Wing</span>
  </em>
  <span> from the common-room TV because it portrays some republican characters in a positive light. She’s quick to correct Ezra or Josh for saying things like “my spirit animal” or “eskimo.” She refuses to even use the name of the Washington Redskins, referring to them instead as “the football team from Washington.” She is </span>
  <em>
    <span>stringently</span>
  </em>
  <span> anti-cop. She refers to Congress as “a bunch of old white bald assholes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So for her to call Colin </span>
  <em>
    <span>cool,</span>
  </em>
  <span> well. That means a whole hell of a lot; he guesses he must be doing something right. “Well. Thank you, then. I think?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She squeezes his hand across the gearshift. “Ezra likes you and that’s good enough for us. But I mean. Even if you weren’t sleeping with my best friend I’d still like you,” she teases him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, in that case,” Colin chuckles, and feels that annoying flash of hope again when Lilah pats his arm and tells him he’s good for Ezra and that she hopes he stays a while.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The first day of Colin’s stay Ezra takes him out to the hayloft and, well, </span>
  <em>
    <span>shows him.</span>
  </em>
  <span> They ride Colin with breathless excitement, both parties still mostly-clothed because the barn is </span>
  <em>
    <span>freezing</span>
  </em>
  <span> (it’s February in Vermont, so </span>
  <em>
    <span>yeah)</span>
  </em>
  <span> and kiss him like they might just swallow him whole. “Fuck, I missed you,” they sigh afterward, snuggled up to Colin with their head tucked into the crook of his neck. “God. You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>good.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I’ve had a lot but trust me you’re, like. Way up there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Colin smiles, weak for this kid and knowing it’ll kill him, and tries not to remember Ezra’s whiny drunken pleas </span>
  <em>
    <span>(please Colin, no one does it like you do)</span>
  </em>
  <span> and clings to hope.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They have sex a few more times like that, rushed moments in closets and corners and odd places like the exercise room in the basement (Colin’s never fucked anyone from behind over a treadmill before but, well, try anything once, right?) before Colin starts to think maybe something is off. Ezra likes to get adventurous in bed, always has, but to be blunt usually they’re at least </span>
  <em>
    <span>in</span>
  </em>
  <span> a bed. But Colin thinks it might </span>
  <em>
    <span>mean something,</span>
  </em>
  <span> because Ezra has never been this ravenous before and Colin begins to hope.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Late at night, after Colin has staggered in from a night shoot at some unholy hour and the others have already passed out, Ezra will push him on his back, pull his pants down and ride him right there on the living room floor. Or they’ll pull him into their bedroom with all the lights off and lie down for him, begging </span>
  <em>
    <span>harder, faster, make me scream Colin, want you, want you, fuck yes!</span>
  </em>
  <span>—biting off their cries through a mouthful of pillow so they don’t wake the whole house.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And one night, dizzy after Ezra sucked him off and then teased him until he got hard so they could fuck properly, Colin is lying in a mess of twisted up blankets and sweaty fleece sheets, his damp t-shirt stuck to his back and his entire body still vibrating with aftershocks, when a lightning bolt strikes his heart. Ezra snuggles up to him, loose-limbed and breathless from a powerful orgasm, and murmurs happily into his neck, “If I had to only fuck one person for the rest of my life, I swear it’d be you. God you’re amazing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They say something else but it’s slurred and lost in the collar of Colin’s t-shirt and he thinks he might actually cry. He holds Ezra gently, breathes in the scent of his hair and feels the younger actor’s heart flutter through his shirt. </span>
  <em>
    <span>In love,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he thinks helplessly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You’re in love. Fuck, but you can’t do this, you know that? This kid is so young, so messed-up, so scattered. They’re not ready for a relationship. You need someone older and smarter, hell, someone who doesn’t drink their weight in Pabst and smoke a joint before they’re ready to let you fuck them. You can’t. Even if they say they want you to stay. You can’t.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart is screaming, pounding against his ribcage, absolutely on fire. His hands sweat, his teeth lock together in determination, he already knows it’s useless because if a gun were pointed at Ezra Miller right now, Colin knows he’d take the bullet without a second thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Please, God, if you’re out there, if you’re real, if you’re listening,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he prays that night as he holds Ezra like his life depends on it, </span>
  <em>
    <span>let them feel the same way I do.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love you so much, sweetheart,” Graves whispers into the curve of Credence’s neck as he strokes a tender hand down the boy’s quivering side. Credence’s body parts easily underneath Graves’, allowing him inside and suffusing him with warm, familiar pleasure. “You’re everything, my precious. Did you know that?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Credence lets out a low, needy hum of pleasure as Graves slowly begins to move inside him. “More,” he whimpers, and then moans long and loud as Graves grinds into him filthy and hot and </span>
  </em>
  <span>deep,</span>
  <em>
    <span> pressing right up against the spot that makes Credence see stars. “Oh, there Daddy, right there, </span>
  </em>
  <span>please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Graves does as he’s asked, moving slow and deep inside Credence and dragging breathy sounds of pleasure from his boy’s throat. “Like that, baby?” he croons. “Want me just like this?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No,” comes the surprising reply, and Graves briefly stills, drawing back to make sure his sweetheart is all right—</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>—only to gasp in surprise as he is flipped over onto his back. Credence doesn’t often take control like this, but when he does it’s absolutely delicious. He impales himself on Graves’ cock like it’s his birthright, a low groan of pleasure ripping itself from his throat as he rides Graves at a brisk pace, his hands sliding over Graves’ bare, sweaty chest and teasing his nipples as he moves. “Oh God, yes, </span>
  </em>
  <span>yes,”</span>
  <em>
    <span> he cries out, and then makes a nearly-feral noise when Graves thrusts up into him. “Oh! Oh, Daddy yes, just like that—”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Graves sits up and wraps both arms around Credence’s waist, burying his face in the boy’s chest and getting drunk off his scent. “Gonna make you come, sweet thing,” he growls against Credence’s skin. “Gonna make you feel so good you scream. C’mon, baby, scream for me…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Credence does scream when he comes, his entire body clamping down on Graves’ like a Devil’s Snare plant, sobs of aching pleasure bursting from deep in his chest as he shakes apart in Graves’ arms. “So good,” he chokes through tears of bliss. “So good, Daddy, so good, thank you, </span>
  </em>
  <span>thank you—” </span>
  <em>
    <span>And then he shivers and moans again as Graves comes deep inside him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thank you, sweetheart,” Graves murmurs when he can speak again. He conjures a cloth to clean them both off. When they’re both clean and dry he lies back, Credence melting in his arms, and hopes that life will always be like this.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Colin being Colin, he figures it out in the middle of sex.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ezra is lost in pleasure, head flung back and lips parted in a breathy gasp, as Colin pounds relentlessly into them, their hands pinned over their head and their legs locked around his waist. He leans down and licks a trail up the column of Ezra’s throat, moaning at the taste of their skin, and hisses in their ear, “Tell me how good I make you feel, sweet thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So good, </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span> so good,” Ezra rasps, their head tossing on the pillow. “Love your—</span>
  <em>
    <span>ahhh</span>
  </em>
  <span>—love your cock so much, fills me up, just—yes!—just right—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sounds Ezra makes are delicious, but Colin’s not quite happy, he does wish he could feel Ezra’s full body against his. Ezra shed their own clothes and yanked off Colin’s pants the minute they got into the room, then dragged him into bed without giving him a chance to take off his shirt. He barely managed to get his sweater off before Ezra was hauling him on top of them and pleading to be taken.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Colin initially assumes that Ezra has developed some kind of clothed-sex fetish because they love to grab handfuls of his shirt as he fucks them. He remembers how Ezra’s fingers used to claw his back while they made love and can’t decide if he’s thankful or not; on the one hand he’d like to not walk away with injuries, on the other hand there’s something appealing about being marked…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ezra’s eyes snap open as Colin thrusts in deep. They look wild, excited, and Colin can’t hold in a gasp of delight as Ezra reaches up and plunges their fingers into his hair with abandon. “So lovely, sweetheart,” he praises Ezra as he fucks them harder, makes their lovely eyes roll with a particularly sharp thrust. “Gonna come now, baby? Come untouched for me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ezra lets out a little whine of pleasure and grips Colin tight, staring hungrily at Colin as their whole body quivers. Colin feels something sticky and wet between their bodies and knows what it is, but he also knows Ezra will hardly complain if he keeps going, will happily scream their way through a second orgasm. He keeps thrusting, feeling a tell-tale heat pooling low in his gut as he slides in and out of Ezra’s warm, welcoming body. Ezra is smiling up at him, relaxed and happy from their climax, a flush of afterglow on their lovely face. Colin strokes the soft, sensitive skin at the base of their throat even as he continues to chase his own orgasm. Ezra is just so fucking attractive it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>unfair.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He sits up straight and Ezra whimpers as he pauses his thrusts. “Easy there, sweet boy,” Colin says soothingly. “Just be patient, I’ll keep going.” He strips off his t-shirt, wanting to feel Ezra’s skin against his, and goes back to thrusting into Ezra with purpose, leaning down to nuzzle the curve of Ezra’s neck and nibble on the sensitive skin there, marveling at how good Ezra tastes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But something is wrong. Ezra’s not happy. Their head turns and falls to the side, eyes closed. They don’t push him away, but they’re clearly not enjoying themself as much and Colin immediately slows his thrusts. “What is it? Are you all right, am I hurting you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ezra looks back up, eyes carefully fixed on Colin’s. “I’m all right. You can keep going,” they assure Colin, and he does, but something still feels…a little off, and he can tell Ezra isn’t as into it as before. They lie still and limp under Colin, eyes fixed somewhere on the ceiling, and they’re not touching him now. Usually, young as Ezra is, Colin can get them off multiple times even just while they’re fucking, but now Ezra’s cock is soft between their bellies and—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wait.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Colin looks down and sees, for the first time, what Ezra has seen this whole time. A chest dusted with a layer of hair, some of it gray—an </span>
  <em>
    <span>untoned</span>
  </em>
  <span> chest with pecs that sag a little and a round, soft belly. His arms lack definition and he can see that they’re fleshy, wobbling a little as he holds himself up over Ezra.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t look up to the window for a peek at his reflection, but he knows what he’d see there, too. Overgrown beard flecked with gray covering up a rounded face with a double chin, untrimmed hair streaked with that same gray as the hair on his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s all for a movie,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he wants to protest as it sinks in that </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> is why Ezra keeps the lights dim, often asks him to take them from behind, has suddenly developed a thing for clothed sex. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s for the movie. I don’t really look like this, you know I don’t. I’m not tired and old like this, I’m not fat, I’m </span>
  </em>
  <span>not,</span>
  <em>
    <span> it’s just for a stupid movie…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>But the spell is broken. Colin suddenly knows, with aching clarity, what this is, what it has always been. He loses his rhythm like a sputtering engine, his thrusts slowing to nothing. He’s gone soft, his arousal soaked up in a dark cloud of heartbreak and sudden, aching exhaustion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He slips out. Lets himself sag into the mattress, suddenly too fatigued to hold himself up. He could cry, he thinks distantly, if he weren’t so fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>tired.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Ezra asks, covering him up with the blankets. Colin thinks bitterly that the gesture would be wonderfully tender if he didn’t know the motive behind it: Ezra just doesn’t want to see his body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“’M fine,” Colin murmurs into the pillow. Suddenly he can’t bear to look at his lover, the thought of missing what he once had too painful to comprehend. “I’m tired tonight. I don’t think I can…keep going.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ezra makes a soft noise of concern. “You should rest, then. Is there anything I can do?” they ask, laying down beside Colin and bundling into their own little blanket-nest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Colin shakes his head. “No. I need…I just need…to sleep. I think.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ezra nods and then nestles closer to Colin, still separated by a layer of blankets. Colin longs for skin-to-skin contact, but no—he’s not going to try to break into Ezra’s little cocoon. Not if Ezra is that turned off by him.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re being oversensitive. They’re probably just tired too,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he tries to tell himself as Ezra reaches out to shut off the light. But he knows deep down in his soul that isn’t the case.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He falls into an uneasy sleep and wakes with the feeling that he’s stepped through Aslan’s wardrobe, out of Narnia and back into the dull real world with no way of going back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Percy! Percy, are you all right, here, let me…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Graves tries to wave away his concerned husband. Credence won’t be denied. He helps Graves into a chair, his eyes wide with concern as he takes in the burned-away hair, bleeding face, massively bruised body, and broken right arm. “You should see the other wizard,” Graves cracks, trying to smile and wincing as he realizes Credence can see his missing teeth.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Credence sets about healing what he can and bandaging what he can’t. “You tried to pull off a raid single handed, didn’t you,” he sighs as he soothes the burns on Graves’ scalp with a sweet-smelling orange salve. “I don’t understand how you can care for me so well, but can’t look after yourself for beans.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Graves manages a weak laugh, then moans in pain as Credence pours a stinging anti-infective potion on the deepest of his cuts. “That’s gonna take a beat to heal,” he sighs. “Sorry, sweetheart. Maybe we shouldn’t take too many pictures at that gala on Saturday, you think?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh, don’t give me that. You’re still a looker and you know it,” Credence scolds him, even as he winces at the sight of Graves’ burned-off hair. “If you’re that worried we can skip it, I guess.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’d rather get cursed again than go out in public looking like this,” Graves admits, and then lets out another whimper of pain as Credence heals his broken bone. “But if you’re not ashamed to be seen with me…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No. We’ll stay home. Not because I don’t think you’re handsome,” he adds quickly, “but because, honestly, I’d rather be home with you than dancing in a roomful of strangers, and because I want you to have time to heal properly.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He finishes healing the worst of the injuries and settles himself in Graves’ lap. Graves sighs in relief and holds him close, relishing the feeling of Credence against him all solid and comforting and perfect. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” he murmurs, and Credence just hums against his neck and holds him back with everything he’s got.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re absolutely killing him. You know that, don’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Colin freezes as he hears Lilah’s voice, sharper and angrier than he’s ever heard it before, and instinctively he flattens himself against the pantry wall. He just came in here to see if they had any canned corn for the soup he wants to make for dinner. He didn’t realize Lilah was about to hold someone hostage in the kitchen and shout them down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then his stomach twists painfully as he hears Ezra’s voice. “What the hell are you talking about? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Who</span>
  </em>
  <span> the hell are you talking about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Colin, you absolute rolling pin, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> who I’m talking about,” Lilah snaps. “Do you think he’s stupid? Like, seriously, do you think he hasn’t figured out that you think he’s useless now that he’s not your idea of a hot piece of ass?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh. Fuck. Colin knew it, but it still stings to hear someone state it so bluntly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not true,” Ezra protests. “Jesus Christ. No, I mean, this is…definitely not the best he’s ever looked, but—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I saw you two the other night,” Lilah cuts them off. “In the freaking exercise room, really, Ezra? Subtle much? You know he </span>
  <em>
    <span>has</span>
  </em>
  <span> to look like this right now for a movie, right? Like, you don’t think he actually thinks he looks good, do you? Because he doesn’t! He hates the way he looks right now, even though he looks </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine,</span>
  </em>
  <span> and you’re not helping!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what you’re—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please tell me you haven’t been making him fuck you with his clothes on. Or with all the lights off. Please tell me you’re not that awful.”</span>
</p><p><span>Lilah sounds absolutely furious and something about that breaks Colin far more deeply than anything Ezra could have done. She’s angry on his behalf. She is </span><em><span>standing up</span></em> <em><span>for him.</span></em><span> A twenty-three-year-old girl is fighting harder for Colin than he has fought for himself. He muffles a choked sob-laugh in his sleeve.</span></p><p>
  <span>“You are so goddamn shallow, do you know that? You know, that guy you invited to stay here and pushed away when you saw he didn’t look like the sugar daddy you’d been eye-fucking on set for three months? Yeah, guess what you tool, </span>
  <em>
    <span>he thinks you love him.</span>
  </em>
  <span> That’s why he came here, do you </span>
  <em>
    <span>get that, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Ezra? Because even though you think he isn’t worth your respect, you’re still sleeping with him! So what the hell was he supposed to think?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Colin can’t see Ezra, but he can just imagine them rolling their eyes at her, he can hear it in their voice as they say, “Ly, he’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>like that.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He totally gets the whole nonmonogamy thing, he’s a total womanizer, you should’ve heard the shit he got up to back in the day—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh for fuck’s sake. Okay, I can see I have to spell this out for you. Guy in his forties, never been married, never settled down, total skirt-chaser </span>
  <em>
    <span>suddenly and mysteriously</span>
  </em>
  <span> latches onto a young hot </span>
  <em>
    <span>male bodied co-star?</span>
  </em>
  <span> God, how can you be so blind? He’s in love with you! And you are treating him like actual </span>
  <em>
    <span>trash!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am not,” Ezra protests. “I let him stay here, didn’t I? I’m still sleeping with him! I can’t help it if I think he’s less attractive like this, Lilah, God, what do you want me to do? I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>trying,</span>
  </em>
  <span> give me some credit here!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lilah sounds like she may well actually burst into tears right then and there. “You asshole. He loves you. And you’re using him. You are breaking that man’s heart and I can’t keep watching you do it. Tell him the truth, that you don’t really care about him anymore. Or I will.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay listen,” Ezra says placatingly, “if </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> like him that much, just tell him. You’re a really cute girl, I’m sure he’d be totally down to—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to fuck him! Jesus Ezra, I want you to stop treating him like he’s somehow lesser than you because he doesn’t look like he did in </span>
  <em>
    <span>Total Recall!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look,” Ezra says with a sigh, “he’ll probably do something to lose all that weight after he’s done with this movie, I’ll just have to stick it out until then. Fat or not he’s still great in bed, so…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lilah chokes back a sob, and Colin feels what’s left of his heart crumble out of his chest. “How can you do that to him? Don’t you actually feel anything for him at all?” she demands. “God, do you even get why what you’re doing is wrong? You’re leading him on, for one thing, but for another—just </span>
  <em>
    <span>look</span>
  </em>
  <span> at him, Ezra, he’s sad, I swear you can see it in his eyes. He knows something’s wrong, he’s not an idiot, and you just—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong with just sleeping with him while he’s here?” Ezra demands. “You don’t usually act like this when I bring someone home.” Ezra’s voice suddenly softens. “Ly, are you afraid I’m going to replace you guys with him? I’m not. I’m really not. He’s great when it comes to sex but you guys are my family. I’d choose you over him any day, you don’t have to be jealous.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not jealous,” Lilah insists with a sniffle. “I feel bad for him, and if that’s really what you think of him, that he’s just some outlet for sex that you can blow off when he’s not to your taste anymore, then you need to let him go so he can find someone who isn’t going to think he’s ugly when he gains a few pounds for a role.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Twenty pounds,” Ezra says disdainfully. “He doesn’t look right </span>
  <em>
    <span>at all,</span>
  </em>
  <span> you can’t deny that. I mean, have you read that script? Because I did and literally in-universe his wife pretends to be unconscious during sex so she doesn’t have to look at him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Colin has had enough. He pushes open the door and stalks out of the pantry. Lilah looks stricken; Ezra at least has the grace to look a little embarrassed. Colin takes a few steps, stops right before he gets to the doorway to the living room, and gives Ezra a wounded look. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” he says quietly, and then goes up to his room to get his things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s no point, he thinks as he puts together his suitcase, a lump in his throat that he can’t seem to swallow and an empty, dull ache in his chest. He wishes he could cry; this would be so much easier with the relief of tears. But he’s hurting too much to cry it all out. This kind of grief, mourning the loss of a lover he only ever kidded himself had any real feelings for him, is beyond tears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a soft knock on the door and Colin’s heart nearly stops. But Lilah is the one who walks through, not Ezra. “I’m so sorry,” she says softly. “Is there anything I can do? Ezra is…not usually like this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s a lie and they both know it. Ezra is Peter Pan to the extreme. They will always, Colin realizes with a painful jolt, be this immature. “I need to get out of here,” he says truthfully. “Can you take me to the hotel?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nods sadly and reaches out to him. He gladly accepts the offer of a hug. She’s smaller and thinner than him by a great deal, but what she lacks in size she makes up for in warmth and tenderness. “Ezra doesn’t know what they’re missing,” she whispers in his ear. “They’ll regret the day they lost you. Someday I swear they will.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure.” Colin squeezes her once and then lets go. “Take care of them for me, will you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because he’s hurt, yes. But he doesn’t wish Ezra any ill will. He’s just…done hoping.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lilah is kind enough to not try to make small talk on the way to the hotel. Colin laps up the silence, lets himself be soothed by the motion of the car over the bumpy roads. He leans his head against the window and thinks of the days in his 20’s when he’d sleep with any girl and every girl, thinks of all the girls he left behind and all the meaningless sex, and feels a pang of sympathy. He wonders how many of those girls felt then the way he does now, and he wishes he could go back in time and shake his 25-year-old self by the shoulders and stop him from causing so much pain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wonders, with a full-body shudder and an irrepressible moan of pain, if this is some kind of karmic punishment for being an idiot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t know. He just knows he never wants to feel this way again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Percy…I love you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love you too, sweetheart.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I keep having dreams about someone who looks like you, but isn’t you…not </span>
  </em>
  <span>him,</span>
  <em>
    <span> but someone else, some man with an accent like your grandmother’s. He always looks so sad…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t know what that means, love, but I want you to not worry about it, all right? Dreams aren’t prophetic, not usually.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“If we ever do meet this guy…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We won’t.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“If we do…I hope he’s happier when we do meet him.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just like we are now, baby?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah. Just like we are now.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Colin curls up in his bed at the hotel, which blessedly has an empty room, and gets through two slices of red velvet cake and four episodes of </span>
  <em>
    <span>Great British Baking Show</span>
  </em>
  <span> before he feels human again. He calls the mothers of his sons, each in turn, to see how they’re doing. “I’m in the hotel,” he tells Alicja when he calls her. “Had to get away from the farm. Too bloody cold, this place.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alicja is quiet for a second, listening to what he isn’t saying. Then she says quietly, “Oh, Colin. I’m so sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t bother trying to lie to her. “Yeah. It’s over. I’m all right,” he says, heading her off when she tries to ask questions. “I’ll be okay. Just need some time to deal with it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He assures her, again, that he’s all right, or he will be, asks about Henry, and waits, miraculously, until he has hung up to bury his face in a pillow and scream. When he pulls away, he feels his eyes getting wet and almost sighs in relief as the tears of humiliation and rage finally well up and spill over.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Colin doesn’t know it, but a world away, two fictional wizards are incomplete without him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t know that this time five years from now he will be so happy he won’t know how to process it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t know that he is so lucky he doesn’t just have one soulmate, but two.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t know yet that he will be loved, so loved, in every way he craves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All he knows right now is that he has to hang on. So that’s exactly what he’ll do.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
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